First published in Aug 2022 on LI

Credit: Each Scene Re-Construction and art shown is created using AI

We celebrate Life, Happiness, Joy, the Good times, but somehow we have never celebrated Emotions that “hurt” us. We shy away from them as if they are to be shunned. They are bad. They evoke pain, they lure in the sadness. In fact, the very words “Sadness”, “Pain” start causing grimace on our face.

But what if it’s the very Emotions, the very feelings which we so readily rush to move away from is what we should embrace with warmth. Show the same focus as we cherish the others.

Experience the Death of a Loved one.

Not over phone, not from somebody.

But by sitting next to them.

Holding their hands when they are about to die.

Death is the most humbling moment in life.

I had just come back from my college summer break. My grandma was dying. Nothing could be done. She is old.

The day I came back home, she was lying on the bed in her room at home. Very low on energy. You could sense the beats of her breathing.

“She was asking when you would come, you would take care of her”, my Mom quipped when I arrived.

My Grandma was waiting for me. She had her son, her family, everyone around her, but she was waiting for me to come back from college even when she was very much motionless.

I couldn’t see her lying in bed without much medical help. I requested my Dad to let’s get her admitted to hospital.

The initial scans showed she won’t survive. Her brain had decayed. She was 83.

The docs advised to take her back home and wait for her to see the last breath. To let her take the last breath in her home.

Somehow it didn’t make much sense to me. I know she is going to die, the medical system had told she is dying. We all knew she is going to die. Old age had taken over. But my heart didn’t give permission to have her just lie in the bed at home while we wait for her to pass away.

There is something surreal about Life.

When you see someone around you taking breaths, it magically draws you to Life. You want them to continue taking those breaths even if you have no connection with them. Even if they aren’t human. Be an animal, a dog, a stray cat, or even the tiny ants.

Motion of a living organism is the very essence of Life.

The very act of seeing a living body around you, makes you alive. It transcends the trivialities of every thing that makes you sad, depressed, disappointed.

My father’s elder brother had arrived from Mumbai. My grandma’s both sons, her daughter, all were next to her. Everyone she had nurtured, loved, cared all her life were right next to her.

We decided to have her on life-supporting systems as long as it takes. Money, advice of doctors was not even a consideration for us then.

One of the purpose in life is to allow another life breathe the last moments easily.

She was put on ventilator. Hours passed by, days went by. My cousin had arrived also.

Slowly we all were adapting to the new normal- that she is going away. It just sunk in naturally and our fears, our “sadness” gave way to normal humdrum of every day life.

Sometimes I would try to go near her to crack a joke, to see if it can make her smile. She had the ventilator on. And all I would get is tears rolling down the side of her eyes.

Not of pain. Not of joy.

It was her telling me she is leaving. That she is going to miss me.

I decided to stay with her almost every night in the hospital. Also because I wasn’t doing anything unlike my father and others who had an office or work to address to.

One night, my Uncle asked me and my cousin to go back home while he will sleep in my grandma’s room in hospital.

At 3:00 AM, my cousin woke me up at home:

“Papa called. Grandma passed away just now”.

I was still rubbing my sleepy eyes and for a brief moment I felt nothing. In fact, I somehow didn’t feel anything. No sadness, no crying. It was a numb feeling. The mind had already adapted to this eventual fateful reality all these days.

At 4 in the morning, my cousin and I started looking for a transportation to get her body back home. Apparently the hospital didn’t have any Mortuary vans available late night.

Next day, everyone was notified. Relatives living around started pouring in. Many crying, some pretending to cry.

After morning rituals, we took her to the crematorium grounds. My Dad lit the funeral pyres. I saw my Dad cry, my Uncle, my father’s sister, and some relatives who wanted to show they are crying. I even saw my cousin had moist eyes. Somewhere he had also got conditioned all these days that she is going to die.

But somehow, I didn’t get a single tear. I heard she died. I carried her dead body late night back home. I saw her body being cremated only to turn into ashes. I saw ppl crying around me. But still, I was numb to tears, the howling, the sadness.

In fact, after cremation, few hours later, when we came back home, my cousin and I were even laughing on some topic while some relatives would come to us crying. To them it was definitely an impression we have gone lunatic and don’t show any signs of sadness.

I was tasked to drive to a nearby town to complete the final ritual- immerse the ashes in a river.

My father and Uncle had got all the arrangements done at the river bank with their contacts- The Priest, the rituals, what needs to be done, the boat to take us to the middle of the river. All I had to do was follow my another cousin and do what they instruct me to do.

We drove 120 miles to a nearby town.

After the initial rituals, I got on the boat along with the priest, to row to the middle of the river and do the final act- immersing the ashes in the water.

I lowered the urn containing the ashes and let it go!

I came back, went back to the car and we started our drive back. My cousin was sitting in front with driver. I was sitting at the back.

And then it hit me.

I started crying. I cried profusely.

I don’t know what happened. Everything was normal. I had lifted her dead body from the hospital bed, carried her back from hospital, saw her getting cremated, saw ppl crying around me. But I never got a single tear all this time. Not that I didn’t want to. It just couldn’t happen. As if my heart had gone numb.

But the moment I sat in the car and we drove back, I started crying. I cried uncontrollably.

The act of letting go the ashes in the river, hit me hard. It was no different ritual than all I had been part of until then. Carrying a dead body in your hands is probably even more intimate than letting go of their ashes.

But somehow, it felt more real. Somehow it managed to break the numbness.

That she is gone. That a Life you once grew up seeing around you, a Life that loved you, cared for you, is no more around you. That Life is gone!

Sometimes, I end up coming across posts in my feed of people who died due to a tragic incident and some friend/relatives of theirs tagging their profile.

And every time no matter how small, I end up stopping my work and going through that person’s profile.

I spend few minutes. I go and read some of their posts they wrote when they were alive.

I don’t know them. I never met them. They are not part of common mutual contacts. A post mentioning them randomly appeared in my feed. But every time, I can’t help but go and check their profile for some minutes.

That is a Life which no longer exists. A person whom I will never meet on this planet. A person I can’t meet on this planet. A person that once existed amongst us. Who was very much alive, living a Life amidst us.

But now that person is no more. I want to go and read some of what that Life wrote when it was alive. I want to imagine that Life through their writing.

I stare at their profile pic for sometime. I stare at their profile for brief moments. I feel sad. It makes me go quiet. I close my eyes, finally close their profile and then move on.

I never thought much why I always end up doing it. But I always do it.

Maybe It’s like saying an unsaid Eulogy for a Life that left us. That left all of us.

Death Humbles You.

Seeing any human die next to you humbles our very existence.

It instills a realization that one day the person you ever argued with, will leave. And you will regret on those petty fights.

They will leave, but your regrets would remain forever.

It’s the loss, which teaches us the worth of things.

Death is the most humbling moment in life. Experience the Death of a loved one.

The regret that still haunts me is that I couldn’t be there the night when it mattered.

The only night when I went back home to sleep, she passed away. I wasn’t there to hold her hand when she left.

That regret will remain with me forever.

But Regrets doesn’t always come only when you see someone die.

Regrets can surreptitiously creep in your life without you even realizing.

It was the Summer of 2017. July 2017 to be precise.

One dear friend of mine, someone very close to me to the extent of knowing details, was taking his usual morning commute to office.

Rush hour traffic in San Francisco trains before Covid used to be a sight to behold. You somehow manage to get a foot inside the coach on time and that was considered your first success of the day.

“Stay 6 feet” away could only be laughed at back then when you are literally inhaling what someone else is exhaling right on your face with your hand clung on to the overhead support to avoid tripping over due to inertia of the moving train.

After few stops, he saw a woman enter his coach, who stood right opposite him. Light brown golden hair, with a carry-on luggage so probably heading to SFO to catch a flight.

If you commuted early morning in SF subways, getting “greeted” with homeless ppl in every coach was a normal sight. Some of them wanted to “earn” when they ask you for money, by playing and singing a song, a respectable act nevertheless.

One such guy was a usual fixture on almost every day. He had a worn out guitar, and would play and sing John Lennon’s “Imagine”. His guitar skills were better than singing but it didn’t matter. As song choice would triumph both the other skills.

To daily commuters, he was a regular visitor. Even the song had started to become common tune for most.

So, it was not surprising when after his song rendition, no one bothered to give him anything when he went to everyone with his hat stretched out in front of them.

He was watching all this. When he saw the homeless man leave for another coach, he saw a voice call him from behind.

It was her.

Even if your situation in life is pretty bad, don’t forget to be kind. There would always be someone who is in a worse situation than you. Respect that.

She was a breath of fresh air. Throughout the time she was standing, she had a tacit smile on her face, probably as a result of being in some lovely thought.

He leaped forward to tap the disappointed “singer” on his shoulders as he was trying to find his way through the crowd to the next coach,

“She has something for you”, he said to the singer.

She gave him some money. But more than the money, it was a bright smile she offered to the homeless person.

Sometimes, it’s not the money, not the tangibles, that bring joy to us. Often it’s the small things. The little things. An innocuous smile at someone, that makes your day. That unspoken admission of “You brought me joy and that’s why I am smiling” is more empowering than any money you can give to somebody.

He had to talk to her. Everything he has been quietly observing standing across her, only made him want to talk to her more. Amazing demeanor, that kind nature, even amazing smile.

And damn she was cute!

But he is an Introvert.

There is something interesting about Introverts.

Introverts are not people who shun other people. They don’t run away from crowd. They don’t fear people.

It’s just that they feel more comfortable talking when they get comfortable with others. When they are comfortable with you, they are a riot to talk.

Introverts run on their own time horizon.

I am a bit introvert myself.

I usually feel lonely in a crowd and I feel quite busy when I am alone or with someone I prefer being with. Because for Introverts being alone isn’t any state of being, it’s like a retreat to a quiet place where you can be yourself the way you want.

When they are quiet, its not because they are shy. It’s because they observe more. They notice life around them more deeply. They are not fan of small talks. They treasure their solitude.

When someone who is an Introvert makes an initiative to go out of their comfort zone and want to talk to someone, makes efforts to get to know you, it’s not because they wanted to do small talk.

It’s because you really matter to them more than their own quiet retreat. It’s because they value your presence more than getting themself in an awkward situation.

So when he decided to talk to her, it meant she mattered to her even knowing nothing about her. Maybe that’s why she mattered. He wanted to know about her.

After few downtown stops, the coach became lighter with many boarding off. She went and sat on a vacant seat. He went and sat on another seat in same row.

His stop was 10 mins away. He didn’t have much time. Somewhere he was trembling within.

It was the peak of Me2 era just right around when Uber scandal was talk of the town. On top of that approaching someone in an extremely noisy public train where you have more success of hearing a mute than your own voice. He knew he will screw this up. His introvert self would just make the whole thing super awkward in such an environment.

He wrote something on his Notes app on phone. Mustered courage to get up and then sat next to her.

She hesitated a bit, being aware where he was sitting earlier. But then didn’t say anything.

He forwards his mobile at her. She looks at it and starts reading:

“Hi, I am pretty sure this is weird. Please don’t freak out. I can assure you I am quite nervous myself”.

I work here, from a decent school (that doesn’t mean anything though), and wanted to see if you would consider having a coffee in the city sometime.

I can understand this might appear quite creepy, but I get creeped out by cockroaches myself, so I miserably fail at being creep myself”

She reads it, smiles and then laughs. Hands back the mobile to him

“Thanks, that was not creepy by the way. But I am seeing someone already”

His heart sank. Like someone put a giant big Full Stop in front of a beautifully written sentence.

He smiled back. Then started looking straight ahead quietly. His energy went down faster than the air coming out of a pricked balloon.

After 2 seconds, she turns towards him, forwards her hand:

“Hi, I am ……”,

He shakes her hand. Introduces himself.

She asked which college he go to. They have some small conversation. Somewhere she appeared in engaging in a conversation with him. But her very first sentence of already seeing someone did enough damage to his energy, that he faltered miserably.

That’s the problem with Introverts. The loud noise in the train wasn’t helping much either with deflated energy he was now carrying.

The next few conversation didn’t help him either. In-fact it made him even more embarrassed about what he wrote in his note. He talked about studying in decent college in the note, which was far pseudo “famous” compared to hers. Grad from Stanford, undergrad from a real Ivy League. So even though college does not make anyone smart in life and is mainly a testament of your hard work back then, it was at least reflecting her impressive academic credentials.

She was a real engineer who builds bridges and buildings. He was a phony engineer in front of her. While she solves real engineering problems, he does artificial engineering writing code on a laptop.

His stop came. He had to get down. Somewhere his heart said to continue further. Maybe get back into conversation fully engaged and not worry about what she said earlier.

But somewhere he wanted to respect what she said. He looks at her, his eyes look at her light turquoise eyes, looks down for a moment and gets up.

He had his slimmest opportunity, an opportunity he created once in a long time, to put himself out making an effort to talk to a stranger.

And somewhere he screwed up.

When things go wrong, they usually go wrong in bunch. Life will not only hit you with a brick and that’s a big brick I am talking here, but will kick you in the pants too. You got to somehow still hold your shit.

Over the years, as you grow older, you realize Life needs to have a purpose. You chase career, job, money for years only to realize what’s actually the purpose that gives happiness?

And then there comes a moment, when you sit down, and learn the *Things that you are chasing, most likely it is not the Thing.

Purpose rarely comes in chasing Things. It’s always been in chasing Moments.

It’s not in the Destination. It’s always been in the Journey.

The Thing that you are chasing, most likely it’s not the Thing.

Maybe you want to have the purpose of waking up every morning to keep someone close to you happy. Your kid, your family. To have them be part of building a bigger purpose of helping others. To have a sense of responsibility to care for them, to make them be the best version of themselves. To grow old with them. To see them grow old with you.

It’s been years, but he still has this as a Regret. The regret to not able to be less awkward. Not let his Introvert self take over that brief moment.

Pain never really goes away. You just live with it by growing stronger.

People come and go. But some moments remain.

And that’s a beautiful thing. It shows that Moment meant something to you. Out of hundreds of thousands of moments in our lives, only a few remain in our memory. Rest fade away. That moment stood out. That regret stood out.

Have regrets in life.

Many times when I walk home alone after eating at a fancy restaurant, I regret and feel guilty of spending money on ‘indulgence’ when there is a someone who is struggling to feed their daughter one meal or an old woman begging on street after been abandoned by her children when she needed them the most.

I regret those times. And that’s fine. Regrets are important. They keep that realization alive that there are far more important things in life to do than worrying about trivial issues we fight on. Regrets humble you. Regrets calm you in life. To Regret deeply is to live afresh.

Regrets build your character. Nurture them.

Regrets are also important because it makes the realization alive that you are human. Regrets bring Sadness.

Sadness induces Crying.

But Crying is one of the most beautiful Emotions of our very existence.

When you are happy, full of joy, you feel gregarious, you are outgoing. You want to talk to people. You are ecstatic. You become extrovert. You get busy living outwards.

But everything we perceive Life is inwards. Every Emotion we call Life starts from within us.

Crying makes you go inwards.

You get to laugh at small jokes, minor banters with friends. Even a slight tickle on your body, makes you laugh.

But it takes a mountain to make you cry. It’s not small sadness, small pain that hurts you.

When you cry, it shows that thing really mattered to you. That moment in past really mattered to you.

Tears come from the Heart.

When you cry, when you let tears out for someone, it’s not a sign of weakness. It means you have a clean heart!

Crying makes you feel human. Crying does not mean you are weak!

I cried when I had my first heart-break in school. I cried when I didn’t get placed after undergrad due to making mistakes of not sitting in many company interviews. I have cried when I failed in a relationship.

When you go through some shit in life, you need to know that it’s OK to cry. Don’t go with the cliche “Men don’t cry”. Cry your heart out as if no one is watching you. Crying does not mean you are weak!

Crying manifests its own Beauty.

Seeing a grown up man crying is one of the most surreal beautiful stillness of Life. It touches your soul. It brings everything around you, every chaos in your mind to a standstill.

It pauses that very moment of Life.

Seeing someone cry around you, makes you go quiet. Seeing any living being crying matures you. It makes you want to embrace that life and stop them from crying. It makes you want to reach out to them.

Because no matter how much we shun them;

Crying brings humanity together.

Regrets nurture our Soul!

And Death makes Life Alive.

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