How to Behave

As you grow older, one of the things that you come across is “how to behave”. When you are a kid, this gets ignored or less “noticeable” primarily due to the nature of age. Kids are meant to behave freely and wildly.

However as you grow, the society starts adding expectations from you on your behavior. In some extreme scenarios, you may even get cancelled out by a few in society if your behavior isn’t as per their “norm”.

If I tell you that there are a set of guidelines and principles that one can memorize and behave properly throughout their life, I would be lying to you. While every culture (whether its Gita for Hindus, Bible or Qoran for others) has books to help it’s people find light in human etiquettes, most people behave based on the situation they get dealt with in life.

So while I cannot specify a set recipe of how one should mold their attitude and behavior in life, I have though, given thinking on it based on our own experiences.

Generally, a functional society is driven by Human Behavior which drives our Human Actions.

If someone is laughing with us, you tend to end up laughing. If someone is creating anxiety around you, you tend to get anxious. If someone is kind, most human would generally be kind too. If someone is hurting us, your immediate reaction is to hurt them back.

Human Actions driven by human behavior is very reactionary and this has been the case from time immemorial.

However as you grow older, if you observe, you realize every experiences we feel within us happens because of two forces:

1. Human Action of Others towards us.
2. Our own Human Action towards everyone else.

You cannot control how others will behave and act towards you. Someone will always cheat, lie, bluff you. You will feel hurt, angry, and pained because of their actions. This is natural behavior and instant reaction. Newton’s Third Law works at its’ best.

However what you can control is how you act towards their action.

This is the hardest part. Our mind’s natural tendency is to react same way as someone does towards us. If someone cheats, lies, you feel pained and want to shout at them. Scream. It’s what we all end up doing normally.

However, this perspective will slowly start shifting when you witness a humble moment: Death of a loved one.

It humbles you that Life is ephemeral, and one day that person you are seeing right now, will not be there. They will be gone. And that time has no guarantee. It could happen now, today or after few years.

But what is certain is that, they will leave one day.

The moment you experience this realization, things become a bit clearer.

You can hurt someone right now, because they hurt you. Or you can pause, end things with them, appreciate any good moments you had with them, and move on.

Hurting them, shouting at them when you are hurting is the easiest thing to do. That’s what most of us end up doing. Newton’s Law remember? However, what’s really hard, in fact one of the hardest thing to do is, to hold back. Not abuse them, shout at them. It will hurt you even more, but it will end up being the most peaceful things to do.

Because one day you will realize, that the pain you give to someone, whether through your actions or as a reaction to other’s actions towards you, it will come back and pain you when that person is no more in this world. That regret will cause you far more pain than what you are enduring now.

There is however a counterargument also being made— if you don’t hurt others for causing you unjust hurt, how will you make them realize they are doing wrong thing and prevent them from hurting others similarly. Without a sense of retribution, unjust behavior spreads.

Thats a fair point. However, I believe you should do that for things where law is broken. Because in a society Law and Justice is the most important guardrails for an ethical functioning society. Without that, we would be back to Wild Wild West.

So, if someone does unjust illegal act towards you, if someone is hurting you physically, one should go and punch back to the highest possible level.

But if someone is unjust and unfair in their behavior towards you— you can definitely hurt them back. But you control your Karma by controlling your actions.

I have often found, it’s more peaceful to move on, end things on a high note with someone, and walk away, than to continue the bitterness of a relationship. Your gracious ending might make them construe it as your weakness, but it takes more strength to control your anger than to vent it all out.

So you don’t face that Regret when the ominous time comes.